I spent a lot of time last night crying.  I laid in bed holding his shirt and trying to be happy that he loves me.  To be happy that i love him.  Why does a pronoun matter so much?  Why can't i get past it to give things a chance?  Is it wrong to ignore it long enough to find out if things are going to work out between us?  I know i can't ask him to ignore it, and i know that he can't.  But I want him to, so badly.  I want to be enough that it doesn't make him hurt.  I want him to go to therapy and find out that it won't change anything, or that there is something else wrong.  Anything so that we can continue the way we are now.


I have a history in my relationships of loving far too quickly and far too deeply.  This is another example of that.   My relationships are often passionate and ridiculous and then they deteriorate into fighting and sadness.  Part of me wants this one to do that on it's own, and soon, so that this isn't the cause of our demise.   I want him to stay the way he is long enough so I can figure that out.  When he is here, i can forget it, i can. . . not ignore it, but joke about it more.  I can wrap myself in his arms and be protected.  Maybe i am worried that all that will change if he is no longer a he.  That he will no longer be my baby, that i'll have to be the boy.  I'm open minded, and i think that love is love, no matter who the people are, but maybe i'm just open minded for other people.  And I won't lie.  I have family that is closed minded.  They are from the south, and I know this is something they won't understand.  What if i love him so much i want to marry him, still?  I know this is far ahead, but i tend to think 30 steps ahead of everything.  And what do i do about being attracted to men?  Do i ignore it?  Do i ask him to act like a man, dress like a man? 

I've asked him to give me some time.  I know he can't make promises as to the amount, but he has enough crap to deal with between just now and May that he won't be changing between now and then.  He says he "isn't going anywhere anytime soon".  Somedays it means he won't leave me, others it means he isn't changing yet.  I just wish i knew why the idea of him changing feels like he's dying.  I love him so much, a completely ridiculous amount for someone i haven't known long. 

Hello, I am Sara and I am a 23 year old female.  I identify as mostly straight.  I recently started dating a guy and we fell for each other very quickly.  We haven't known each other, but feel incredibly connected.  Recently he told me that part of the reason his last relationship didn't work was because he was starting to realize that he couldn't marry the girl and have children with her as he was, that he was going to need to transition to being at least a partial girl.  He didn't tell her until after they had broken up.  I find myself angry at him for waiting to tell me, for not telling me when we started dating, for not telling me before i fell in love with him.   <lj-cut>  When he told me we both cried.  In the conversation, we even exchanged our first "i love you"'s.  I asked a lot of questions.   He is not attracted to men, only to women (so much so that he wants to look like them).  He is pretty sure he would never fully transition, because he feels like he needs to keep his penis.  But he eventually wants to take hormones and grow breasts and possibly get surgery on his face to look more feminine.  I am struggling with a lot of this.  While i know i am not entirely straight, there are various reasons i have never dated girls.  Attraction wise, i prefer men.   When thinking about my future, i always picture myself with a man.  He, as a man, is someone i feel like i can have a future with.  Personality wise, we work very well together.  He is in many ways, perfect for me.  I can see myself with him for a long time.  I can't wrap my head around him as a girl.  I am not particularly "girly" in many of the stereotypes, but i can't see him as female at all.  He enjoys sex with women.  I love the way he dresses, the way he carries himself, even the way he smokes (despite the fact that i hate the habit, lol).  I like his voice.  i like his beard.  These are his masculine traits that would change, and i don't want them to.  It makes me feel superficial.  I know his heart won't change, or his mind, but he will look and sound different.  He'd probably have a different name.  But to me, i think he will always be who he is right now.  I love him very much, even though we have only been together a short time, but I don't know if i can be his girlfriend throughout the transition.

He feels bad for essentially lying about himself, but he thinks that this is something he will eventually have to do.  We both know it is far off in the future, based on money (and a number of other things in his life he has to sort out first).  Since we are so new in our relationship, we are at an impasse.  He loves me, I love him.  But I am having a hard time understand why he wants to change (but i am beginning to think this is something i will never be able to fully comprehend), and i can't help but want him to change his mind.  I want to be enough of a reason for him to stay the way he is now.  When we talk about it, i bring up negatives.  i feel like i am trying to learn more just so i can talk him out of it.  And while i don't know how it feels to feel like you were born in the wrong body,  i wonder if it will be worth the pain and loss of friends and such and the hardship of living as essentially "half and half" (i'm sorry, i don't know the correct terminology) lesbian.


I feel horribly selfish, wanting to talk him out of it, to be enough for him, to be the one who can fill up the empty space he feels.  I know I can't.  I kind of feel like eventually he will have to make a choice between me or transitioning.  We both know which choice he will make. 

I'm sure it all sounds hopeless, and I am considering if i need to give up now, but my heart hurts at the idea of not being with him right now.